P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
