I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
