dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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