I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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