I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
