Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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