best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
