First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
