I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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