I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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