I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can't put those talents on a resume
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
