You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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