Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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