im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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