What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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