im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize