i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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