I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
