thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
