Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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