i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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