I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
