I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
