Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
