her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
