After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
