Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
