I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
