apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
