I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
