my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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