Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
they're like a gay fantastic four
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
