On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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