Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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