He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
