ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
