I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
