I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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