i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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