Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize