my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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