Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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