I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
