tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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