next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
