can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
