Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
