I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
