No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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