Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
false alarm, still single
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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