life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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