A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
