i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
