you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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