i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
