i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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