i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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