I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
