I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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