If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
