I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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