I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
