How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
