what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
4 words: hood of his car
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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