Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
